The Six Founding Members of SSH4TT – A League of Evildoers With an Unending Appetite for YOUR Money

Who are the six masked forces of evil who plot to devour your money? We reveal them here!

Stocks: Octohussy

Queen of Wall and Broad. She expulses barrels of ink (both liquid and digital) to project an image of herself as necessary, advisable, even compassionate.  All the while, her eight arms are reaching into every pocket and financial orifice of her prey, extracting their wealth, peace of mind and dreams for retirement.  Octohussy has no backbone or moral compass whatsoever.  She’ll contort, however necessary, to put the squeeze on her victims.Ramsey Orman Vise

Social Security: Aunt Bizarro

The sinister, sick-minded, grey-locked sister of Uncle Sam, and a first cousin of J. Wellington Wimpee (below).  Adorning herself in the American flag, she promises to protect the elderly and the ill – holding their money in her lockbox until they need it.  “I’ll gladly care for you in the future, so kindly hand over your earnings today,” she demands with a stone-like smile.  The lockbox, of course, is nothing but a dark void.

Home Equity:  Skyresh Detritus

High Admiral of SSH4TT.  Luring financial voyagers into his nest – well disguised as a cozy hearth – Skyresh binds them with promises of great wealth and flexibility, all the while chomping away at their financial foundations and opportunities.  Unwary investors check in, but few are lucky enough to check out undigested.

401(k)s:  Bokor

The Zombie King, a voodoo-like sorcerer who robs investors of their free will and self-awareness.  As his victims obediently march ever forward – handing off responsibility for their investments – Bokor ingests their hard-earned retirement funds.  Leaving his quarry unawares until it’s too late, Bokor dissolves their nest eggs with magical and often invisible fees, administrative costs and other treacherous accounting witchery.

Tax Deferrals: J. Wellington Wimpee

A bulbous, balding, cigar-chomping, suspender-wearing, pin-stripped con artist who bamboozles innocent savers and investors, convincing them to buy into his shamelessly ill-advised financial strategies.  “I’ll gladly save you on taxes in the future, if you’ll invest with me today,” is his enticement.  He is first cousins with Aunt Bizzaro (above).

Term Life:  The Orman-Ramsey Vise

A two-headed beast that lurks in the infested pits of mainstream financial television, radio and popular personal finance books.  S/he beguiles people, causing them to put their full faith in term life insurance as the ‘wise’ choice in financial and estate planning.  If the victims don’t die prematurely, they awaken from their trance in the gnarled, crushing grip of the Orman-Ramsey Vise: expose their loved ones to potential financial disaster or drain their life-long savings to keep feeding the term-life monster.

Speak Your Mind